With his bare hands
He defeated the unimaginable
His strength known to the lands
And his secret was desirable
Then came that serpent
Twisted his mind, now full of deceit
Her words he did not know what they truly meant
Now his strength was gone after a deep sleep
No one would have known
That it was that long hair
Now he was all alone
And to complain he did not dare
Not physically
But I possess that strength
And thats what keeps me going
No matter life's length
Everyday
I'm thankful for them
They're the secret that empowers me
Take it away, and that will weaken me
Just like Samson
And his hair
This is me, Jonas
And it's my family for who I care
2/21/2010
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Yo JP! Good poem dogg i like your use of words and how it flows.
ReplyDeleteHow ever you may want to inclede a little more info maybe on who you are comparing yourself to becase idk who this guy is to begin with. So maybe you want to incled some obvious details on who this person is.
Thats it bro god job!
Hello Jonas :)
ReplyDeleteGood job on FINALLY posting your poem! ahaha.
But overall in my opinion your poem was very inspiring and cute :)
On the con side, i agree with austin. I have no idea what myth you are dealing with the illusion. But i can easily tell that you do have a myth inside your poem because there is "Then came that serpent". Sounds very legend like.
But on the pro side, i really like how your sentence fluency flowed really well.
Also your great word choice really captured my attention and how you put that into your poem like "With his bare hands
He defeated the unimaginable
His strength known to the lands
And his secret was desirable"
"They're the secret that empowers me
Take it away, and that will weaken me"
I can actually copy paste your whole poem because every line was very deep and well written with the write words.
Overall, it was a very nice poem.
I give it a 3.
Keep it up Jonas :)
<3,
daphnejayne